I touched a bit on this topic yesterday, but I’m going to elaborate a bit more on it today.
Last night, I witnessed my first pregnancy announcement since finding out that we are also expecting. My heart did the one thing I was not expecting, it tightened up. This couple hasn’t even been together for as long as Irwin and I have been trying to have a child and here they were just a few months into their marriage and pregnant with their child, and far enough along to “safely” announce it. At that moment, even knowing I have a little one growing inside me I had a tinge of sadness and jealousy rush over me.
It wasn’t fair that they got pregnant immediately.
It wasn’t fair to think about the worry they probably didn’t have.
It wasn’t fair that it still hurt my heart to see others so happy.
I used to love pregnancy announcements. Until about 6 months into our journey, then they became something that crushed my soul. Month after month of high hopes and negative tests, finding out you have a 0.01% chance of this ever happening naturally for you, getting into fights with Irwin over timed sex even though we both knew chances were slim. This has been my reality for the past two years, and even now that we are pregnant, I still feel the sting of infertility.
My heart got tight. It felt like the air had been sucked out of my lungs. It was a feeling I didn’t think I would have to feel again.
It only took me a few seconds to get back to reality. I calmed down and remembered our little bean which is growing inside me now and promptly asked God to forgive me of my jealousness at that moment. For those who are going through and have gone through infertility, seeing a pregnancy announcement is never going to be an easy thing to see, but each new little life is such a miracle and should be treated as such. Sometimes people conceive immediately, or by accident. Some are on this road for years or even decades before holding their little one in their arms. Some never get to hold their child. This journey is far from fair, but I do truly believe it makes us so much stronger. If you’re on this journey, know you are not alone and never ever be scared to voice how you are feeling.