breakdown

Guys, I officially had my first hormone driven breakdown of this whole cycle. I went in for another scan today and yet another round of bloodwork and it was just kind of a mess from the beginning. I was running late because we got a bunch of rain last night and Buster was boycotting potty time, and when I got there my chart wasn’t ready because the 24th was written for my next appointment instead of today {the 23rd}. Naturally, I leaped at the possibility of just coming back tomorrow but the receptionist laughed and told me she needs to check with the nurse before letting me go. I was correct and the paper was wrong and they ended up seeing me. It took a solid half hour to measure all the follicles. Last scan, I had 21 follicles that were all above 10mm, and today there were additional follicles that were under 10mm in addition to the growing ones. The caveat to all this was I thought the ones I already had as of Sunday had stopped growing and that sent me into a tailspin.

I head back into the lobby and wait on the nurse to draw blood, but because of the number of follicles charting took some additional time and I just started crying. Once the nurse brought me back, she asked how I was doing and I lost it. I literally didn’t even have a reason other than my non-knowledge of all this and Dr. Google was leading me to fret about OHSS and possible cancellation. Daine just looked at me and laughed a bit and was like “honey, with all the hormones going through you right now, you are totally okay for feeling the way you do”. We then talked about my risk level for OHSS which I had a gut feeling was pretty possible but nobody had said anything to me prior, most likely to prevent over obsessive research {jokes on them, I researched all this months ago anyways} and how we will probably be doing an alternative trigger to radically reduce the possibility of overstimulation. The issue with the alternative trigger is now instead of a fresh transfer 5 days post-op, we will be waiting until my next cycle to do a frozen transfer. They got blood, which has gotten way easier over this last week, and Diane gave me a big hug and I was on my way.

I have officially made the switch over to leggings for daily wear. I am having trouble falling asleep at night because of the growing follicles and the fullness I feel and when I thought about putting on jeans this morning I silently laughed to myself and pulled my leggings out of the drawer. I bought these Lululemon leggings awhile ago when I started going to yoga, but justified the price by telling myself these are the perfect pregnancy leggings. Same is true for IVF leggings because I feel a few months pregnant at this point.

Today I am thankful for serving such an amazing God. I know there are plenty of non-religious people out there, but I could not have even made it this far without feeling like God is right by my side through all this. Every night while I’m trying to get comfortable and drift off to sleep I’ve been silently singing worship songs and praying for peace and comfort. I’m also that person with their car radio up super loud and singing at the top of my lungs to worship at 6:40 in the morning. This is a rough process emotionally, physically, and mentally and I am so thankful for having a God that I know is looking out for me and keeping me safe. I know this is the route He wanted us to take, and maybe someday we will get to use our experience for His glory. Until then, we will keep singing and praying and hoping for the best.