positivity and guilt

I’ve felt mostly calm and excited this cycle, thinking about the prospect that this could be the cycle I finally see those two beautiful pink lines. Irwin and I have decided to take a very positive approach to our frozen embryo transfer and speak about our baby as if he or she will be here in November. We are having faith in God to bring our child to us and allow us to obtain and sustain a pregnancy.

But last night as I was doing some reading, I had a new feeling come over me.

Not worry.

Not negativity.

But guilt.

I became sad. I began thinking about all of those who struggle with their fertility journey’s, about those who try for so much longer than we have been trying, who go through multiple rounds of ivf without success. I thought about how, in relative terms, we’ve had a fairly easy journey. My stimming process for our fresh cycle lasted 10 days from baseline to egg retrieval. I had overstimulated, so we had to take a break and are prepping for our frozen embryo transfer now, but when everything is said and done, this has been a fairly easy process for us. Even needles – which I used to be terrified of, aren’t as bad anymore {I’m still scared of shots, but not like I used to be}. I have been calm and relaxed. I’ve felt at peace. It’s an odd place for me to be in because before we started ivf, I was the total opposite of calm and at peace.My prayer today is that everyone, no matter where they are in this journey, finds that calmness and peace. That if their journeys last a few months, or triple the number of years it’s taken us, that they find happiness and that someday they have their baby in their arms.

In two days, I will be reunited with one of our embryos. We are praying with all our might that he or she is strong and is a sticky baby. That we are able to conceive and our baby grows for a healthy and happy nine months, and that in November we get to hold our bouncing little baby in our arms.

This whole process, whether you are doing ivf or trying naturally, takes so much faith and it is only by miracles that babies are born. It’s incredible that our little miracle is finally so close.